What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 04:22
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What happened to your school bully?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Is it sinful for Christians to look at beautiful women?
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Put me off passion for life!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Can you list every album you have ever listened to?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why after 50 years of being straight do I constantly desire to suck cock?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did lobsters evolve bright colors if they are neither poisonous nor venomous?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Can being annoyed be a sign of getting angry?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I said to her
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She wouldn,t have been !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i lived it daily.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So whats the point in blame.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
I think the readers, may guess!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it wasn’t much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?